Indulgent Emotion Series: Self Pity
Not the sexiest of indulgent emotions, right?
You probably don’t even want to admit that sometimes you feel self pity.
The other day I was coaching someone and they were trying to describe how they felt about a thought they were choosing to think to me, and it sounded exactly like self pity, but when I offered it as an option to the client, she immediately was disgusted by the idea of this emotion and shook her head no, and gave me a synonym.
It’s the same thing when it comes to victim mentality, and emotional childhood. All three of these concepts are closely related, if not versions of the same thing. All are hard sells.
Self pity is the feeling we often feel when we are in victim mentality. We have thoughts that create the feeling of self pity.
When we’re in victim mentality, we’re in emotional childhood.
What is emotional childhood?
It’s when we, as adults, do not take responsibility for our own emotions.
We are at the effect of external circumstances.
We feel a certain way because something or someone is happening to us.
When we are in emotional childhood, we are powerless.
If we believe that our circumstances directly impact our feelings, without the optional thought in between, then we’re pretty screwed. This when we try desperately to change our circumstances and become controlling, or we throw our hands in the air and point fingers.
Woe is me, this terrible thing is happening to me. I have no control over it.
You cannot make powerful decisions or lead amazing teams when you are stuck in this indulgent emotion.
I often see this showing up for my clients when they talk about time, money, and their teams:
“I’m just so busy, there’s not enough time to create a narrative system to run my business more effectively. It would be too hard.”
“I would be more successful if I had more money to invest in Facebook ads. They’re just so expensive and the algorithm is the worst.”
“I just can’t find the right employees and contractors, I keep trying to hire things out, but then they’re ineffective with their time, and I just can’t get to the important work because they’re not taking things off my plate. They just slow me down. I know they’re not using their time as well as they could be.”
If you’re stuck in this mentality, lady, let me tell you, it’s not going to do you any favors when it comes to getting it done. You’re going to stay stuck and not uplevel.
When you’re feeling self pity, you do nothing to solve for the issue or problem at hand because you never take ownership for it in the first place.
The solution for self pity, is to deliberately choose ownership.
Everything is your fault.
Now you take the power back.
If everything is your fault, then you can solve for everything.
Even if you think it’s outside of your control.
If it were your fault, how would you find a solution for it?
You are not a victim. You are a powerful CEO of your business and life.
Now go act like it.